Saturday, July 7, 2012

Too scared to try

Being too scared to try is not living.  Maybe some people mean well when they tell me not to touch the tiger, he might bite, but isn't it being too scared to try to wait until such time as one has somehow earned "permission"?  Don't they seem to want to suspend you in that state until they feel like allowing you to live, to be human?  I have felt this way for a long time and I haven't always been able to put it into words.

It seems kind of ridiculous that the better part of my soul is on the other side of a fence that "belongs" to someone else.  They reach out to me.  I can hear their purrs, feel the soft intensity of their gaze upon me, and I fall in love.  They cherish me when I reach out and touch them, and roll with happiness after a pet or a kiss.

I can feel this place where certain people seem to just have to be, so they can make me do things to gratify them and they can take my reward away from my life.  They can reach it verbally, emotionally, or impose themselves physically.  I am always afraid that when I get occupied with a real encounter someone is going to do that and give me that rending tearing pain again.  So I don't go near them for the most part and the last time I thought I was going to get near them I had a psychotic break from the fear, but what else is new about that.  They made a game of inducing such mental states in me for so long that it's just part of the routine.

There is a knot in my gut and my fist is aching for release.  So is my middle finger.  You know, it's just easier to not live.  I build enough energy to move mountains, or at least my massive butt, and someone siphons it off and uses it for their purposes.  In this realm the parasites seem to have more control over everything than those people who work for a living.  And yes, those parasites will use that control to prevent themselves from having to take any responsibility at the same time that they get others to smash up other people's homes and menageries.

Some people get to live.  I've seen it and some people are still living.  I'm glad for them.  My soul, is it really to be found in a big cat?  About one in three that I meet seem to want to merge with me.  When we do we exchange soul matter and both of us are more than we were before.  That's also called "being happier" and "living."  This is more precious than gold.  Rich people who understand it will write big checks.  Those who merely clean up after the highness's hindquarters don't usually rate a touch.  Regal my ass.  It shits in its own drinking water.  Come to think of it, the inbred royalty of Europe is often more than a little peculiar.

Were the big cat to live with me and were I to use him or her that way, they would love it and they would have a home.  The neurotics are very intent on making sure that doesn't happen.  It's pretty much the same if I'm "allowed" under conditions that they impose, because they have still managed to get in between and tap that energy for their own misuse.  Dammit that's my energy to misuse.  That's why they accuse people of abuse when the animal is as pleased and as happy as it can possibly be.

I'm sick of making concessions.  Concessions are all that I make and I don't get to use my energy for me.  They should use their own damned energy.  The whole thing is about making me work and someone else collecting the rewards that I should be collection.

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